If you’re writing fiction, you’re writing dialogue, which means that you will face the unceasing challenge not only of making it distinctive, convincing and entertaining, but of framing it in ways that avoid the boring ‘he said, she said’ – the effective flatline of literary style.
Your first draft may be filled with ‘said John’, ‘Mabel said’, ‘he said’, ‘she said’ – that’s OK, you were concentrating on getting the story, structure and pacing right. But now you want to bring some surprise and invention to your dialogue. You want it to be sharp, focused and revealing. You want to shape it so that it rises from and melts back into your descriptive prose and narrative dynamic in ways that are worthy of a pro.
There are countless books, courses and articles dedicated to this skill. Here are four essential tips. If these are the only guidelines you follow, they alone will take you far.
1 – Tight, tidy, concise
Take this example, from a fantasy novel for younger readers I edited recently*:
‘You’re not wrong Charlie he looks really mean, perhaps we should turn back, what do you think?’
The author is keen to show us the hero’s wariness and doubt. Fair enough. But, even with its pauses, the rhythm of the line is flat and unexpressive, because one thought follows another without developing or stopping. Consequently, the emotion of the line is lost. Less content would be more effective, with a harder pause between thoughts, such as
‘You’re not wrong, Charlie. Perhaps we should turn back.’
The emotions of fear and doubt are still present, here, though more implicit. Yet they exert more power because the reader is tasked with interpreting the shorter, discreet sentences and their sparse information. The hard pause of the full stop also serves as a meaningful absence, a ‘blank’ that communicates a mind compromised by fear and unable to think fluently. The text calls upon the reader to fill in the blanks and add to the paucity, thereby projecting their own emotion into the story. When the author draws the reader into the story by opening the door and inviting them into a shared space, then we have effective storytelling.
2 – ‘If you only knew the power of—’ the humble comma
What is an unmistakable sign of the writer in full command of their craft? Correct placement and skilful use of the comma. Punctuation overall is important, of course; but it is all too easy to treat the tiny comma as a stylistic afterthought or as something that will look after itself – you do this at your peril. Governed by fewer hard-and-fast rules than the other punctuation marks, applying it well requires (and will communicate to the reader) logical clarity, grammatical adroitness and musical ‘feel’.
Here are three examples, taken from the same fantasy novel as above. In the first, the comma is misplaced:
‘Certain things are sent to the king like your granddad’s medals which, the king is a keen collector of.’
The correct placement is, of course, ‘your granddad’s medals, which the king. . .’
In the next example, the lack of a comma in the appropriate place causes a confusion in comprehension in the second sentence:
‘In return the chief swore his allegiance to the peoples of Aldermaine and vowed to protect the Alders from anyone who might threaten them. However many of the Vikings could not stand the sunless world and some returned telling their story to anyone who would listen.’
Without a comma after ‘However’ the reader trips up after reading ‘However many’ when it becomes clear that the author does not intend to use the conditional phrase ‘However many’. ‘However, many of the Vikings. . .’ is the correct punctuation that avoids confusion. The comma is essential for clarity, here.
In the last example the comma has been deployed, not incorrectly. But commas are missing where they would clarify meaning and where they would draw out the dramatic rhythms of speech:
‘Oh now don't go getting all morally superior with me young man. It's not like we invented stealing, you lot have been nicking stuff from each other for years, we just made it into a decent well organised industry. Besides it's not like we go around killing lots of people. We haven't had a war in thousands of years unlike you lot, you never seem to tire of killing each other. And where would all your police forces be without us, unemployed my dear boy, that's where.’
If the comma is used with greater care, alongside better punctuation choices, the improvement is palpable:
‘Oh, now don't go getting all morally superior with me, young man. It's not like we invented stealing. You lot have been nicking stuff from each other for years; we just made it into a decent, well-organised industry. Besides, it's not like we go around killing lots of people. We haven't had a war in thousands of years, unlike you lot – you never seem to tire of killing each other. And where would all your police forces be without us? Unemployed, my dear boy, that's where!’
3 – Do you really need a ‘he said/she said’ identifier?
If your characters are distinctive and reveal themselves in the way they speak – their semantic content, diction and accents, among other things – then, quite often, you won’t need a ‘he said, she said’ identifier at all. Check through your dialogue when you are redrafting and consider which identifiers are absolutely necessary for a reader to navigate a scene and what can be removed without any serious loss. It may well be that you have erred on the side of caution, or that you have not given the reader enough credit in your earlier draft. In many cases, it is clear who is speaking in a dialogue and the narrator need intervene infrequently to orient the reader. The example below is from the second comic fantasy novella by Nicky Blue that I edited, Hot Love Inferno*:
‘Mum, you know that basset hound in next door’s garden?’
‘Yes, dear.’
‘Every time I look out of the kitchen window, he’s staring up at me.’
‘Poor thing’s bored out of his little mind. I’ve never seen them take him for a walk, not once.’
‘He’s got a huge garden to play in but he just sits on that step and stares up at our window, it’s stressing me out.’
‘Just ignore him, he’s a dog.’
‘He’s got a really annoying face.’
‘You should hear what he says about you!’ Molly chuckled. Barry joined the laughter. Seeing this, Molly seized her opportunity. ‘Have you thought anymore about getting out and doing some dating?’
‘Not this again, Mum!’
‘I worry about you, is all. You must get lonely, being on your own all the time.’
‘I’m fine. I’m still recovering from Amanda Jowers.’
‘You were fifteen—’
‘It was true love—’
‘It was anything but!’
‘Truth is, Mum, I’m a bit...’
‘Yes, dear?’
‘…tired. I’m off to bed. Night, Mum.’
‘Night dear,’ sighed Molly.
4 – Let a gesture or descriptive moment do the work
A highly effective, deft technique is to drop in a vignette or short descriptive phrase – often a character moment – where a more pedestrian writer would use ‘said x’ or equivalent. Take this example, from the first-quoted novel:
"Yeah you're right, but I could really do with a nap, couldn't we find a nice warm place to have a sleep first, maybe we could get something to eat I'm still starving. That Bradford cake just made me hungrier," said Charlie, rubbing his stomach.
With amendment this becomes:
"Yeah you're right, but I could really do with a nap, couldn't we find a nice warm place to have a sleep first? Maybe we could get something to eat, I'm still starving.” Charlie rubbed his stomach. “That Bradford cake just made me hungrier."
A very small change – and a change of location – removes the hackneyed identifier and allows the phrase to do several jobs in one: it identifies the speaker, delivers a simple, vivid image and punctuates the dialogue, investing it with more action and interest. Take a look at any celebrated author and you will see this technique in frequent use.
Keep these techniques and considerations in mind when you are redrafting your story and they will serve you well. I wish you good fortune in all your writing endeavours!
Dr Simon J Tilbury
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* Permission to quote granted by authors.
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